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Two sides of the Jedi chapter 1

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      I want to thank Lordhadrian for letting me use his OC Conradin!

       Thanks so much!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                                         Chapter 1: The change.



     Corusant 1: 45 AM
---------------------------
    Republic Military Prison

   Barriss is surprised, she is surprised that Cora believes in what she says. She is surprised and relived, but Cora seems to still be angry with her.
 
  and Barriss can't really blame her. After what she did to the Jedi and the Clones especially the clones, of course she would be very mad.

  Barriss still wonders, was she the reason Ahsoka left? "Barriss Offee." Said a voice on the other side of the force field keeping her in, a voice all to familiar.

  "Tarkin..." Said Barriss with a angry tone in her voice. Tarkin entered her cell and whispered something to commander Fox who left them alone in the cell.

  "So how are the accommodation Miss Offee?" Are you comfortable?"  Barriss didn't answer him, she just stared at him with a angry look on her face.

   "Well don't be cross with me because you got caught my dear, you brought this on yourself." Said Tarkin who was obviously enjoying the whole thing.

   "You pushed me Tarkin, you made me hurt my friends." countered Barriss. "Well if you hadn't blown up the Jedi hanger we wouldn't be in this mess Miss

    Offee."  Said Tarkin with a smirk on his face. Barriss lowered her head.
   
   "Well I had my fun, I'd best be going. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, you're going to be moved." Said Tarkin.

   "Moved? Where?" Asked Barriss. Tarkin stopped walking and said "all in do time my dear." He left the cell.



    At Dexter Jesters....
     2:00 AM

  
Cora really didn't know where to go, she couldn't go back to the temple and she couldn't talk with Rex after all that's happened been going on the past
 
   week. He just seems so lost without Ahsoka, so it wouldn't be right confiding in him. So she just came to Dexter's the only place where she could think,

   she loved the food here and the services. She felt like a normal person here not just some faceless Jedi or military commander. 

  "What would you like honey?" the waitress asked. "Just a cup of caf please." Said Cora. "Coming right up!" Replied the waitress. she rushed off to fulfill

  her order. A few minutes later Tup walked in. He was wearing his usual armor and he had his hair pulled back in a neat bun. "Your out late Cor." Said

  Tup. "What are you doing here Tup?" Asked Cora in a sad tone. "I was just in the neighborhood." Said Tup. Cora gave him a look that said "Tell the truth."

  She knew he was lying, he never leaves the base. "You got me, I followed you, But only because you looked sad." He explained.

  Tup sat down in the booth with her. "Is it about your meeting with Barriss?" Asked Tup.  "I feel sorry for her Tup, like Ahsoka the council turned their backs

  on her. Even her own Master Luminara turned her back on her." Said Cora. Tup pulled Cora close to him she closed her eyes. "I understand what your going

  through, I went through the same thing with my brother Dogma. Most of the clones excluding Rex never came to visit him." Said Tup.

  "I'm tired Tup, I'm tired of this whole thing."  Said Cora. "I know Cor, I know." Said Tup.



  In the planet Dathomir orbit, Quelli sector....


 
Darth Sidous appears in hologram next to Doctor Noxtor, the scientist he hired for this project. "Is our test subject ready?" Asked Sidous.

 "Yes my lord." Said Noxtor. "Go on then." Ordered Sidous. Noxtor walked into the test room and grabbed a shot cylinder.  He loomed over Barriss Offee's

  sleeping figure. and injected the shot into her arm. with in seconds dark marks started forming on her face then she opened her yellow eyes.


  "What's going on!?" yelled Barriss. "Welcome back Miss Offee." said Doctor Noxtor. "Where am I?" Asked Barriss. "Your on my ship and your now my
  
   weapon." Said Sidous. Sidous lifted his hand and force choked Doctor Noxtor, With in seconds he fell to the ground dead. "You will serve me now and if you

  try to disobey me just once your friends die." Said Sidous. Barrises eyes widen.


                                          End Chapter 1     

  
 

daiseymae.deviantart.com/art/R…

Hey guys I made a sequal to this story!

This one is about Barriss disappearing and Cora going to look for her.
© 2016 - 2024 JuliaTheSpaceLady
Comments12
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3wyl's avatar
A few technical things:

"relived" -> "relieved"

Perhaps after the end of "angry with her", instead of a full stop, it could be ellipses, like "angry with her...", which would then lead to "and Barriss can't..."

"a voice all to familiar." -> "a voice all too familiar."

It would be good to put "Barriss Offee" on a separate line, as you have done with the other beginnings of speech. :nod:

"with a angry tone" -> "with an angry tone"

"how are the accommodation" -> "how are the accommodations"

You have an extra closing speech mark after "Miss Offee?"

"with a angry look" -> "with an angry look" - When there are two vowels together like "a" and "angry", it should be "an" instead of "a".

""all in do time my dear."" -> ""all in due time my dear.""

With the first part of the Republic Military Prison in present tense, I feel as if the present tense section (from "Barriss is surprised" to "was she the reason Ahsoka left?") should be in italics. This would then contrast with the rest of the passage in past tense. :nod:

"that's happened been going on the past week" -> "that happened in the past week"

The tenses should be staying consistent:

" She knew he was lying, he never leaves the base." -> "She knew he was lying, he never left the base"

"what your going" -> "what you're going"

""Your on my ship and your now my" -> "You're on my ship and you're now my"

Overall, you leave the reader with anticipation of what happens next with the ending. The backstory in the first two sections provide some information, which is useful for the reader in setting the scene.

However, there are a lot of spelling and grammatical issues in the piece. If you write in Microsoft Word, it should highlight a few of them for you. :nod:

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